


My Angsto Playlist

by sunflower_crown



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, be warned, this is literally all angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-06
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 08:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3127379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_crown/pseuds/sunflower_crown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of oneshots, one based of of each song from my "ANGSTO ;A;" playlist.  Basically a bunch of short angsty AU's.  Not my best work, I just have so many of these to do.  I completely blame the hidekane support group for this. Thanks again to jam_jam, a beautiful bab but also my editor. NOTE: PLEASE LISTEN TO SONG WHILE READING THIS THANK YOU VERY MUCH</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Track 1- "Always Gold" by Radical Face

**Author's Note:**

> The time in this jumps around, but is based off the idea that Kaneki visited Hide once in those 6 months after Aogiri.

Once upon a time, we were just kids. It was a clear January day when I met you, cold but sunny. We became immediate friends, and ever since we were as close as brothers. Those were the happy days. The days of sunlight and green fields we would play soccer in. When we played on the monkey bars and you would read to me if I asked.

Then came that day. I met her in the street and we stopped for coffee. Then she told me the news. You were gone. She hadn't seen you in weeks. All of a sudden, it was as if the color drained from my world.

Months later I found myself in my room, staring at the wall. I thought of you and I couldn't hold back the tears. Just like you, does everything go away?

Just then, I heard a knock at the door. I dragged myself out of bed and walked to the mirror. There were deep bags under my eyes and my hair was a mess, but I had stopped caring. After a moment, I trudged to the door. I slowly opened the door and brought my eyes up to the figure in front of me. A rush of warmth coursed through my body as my eyes met those familiar grey ones. You were covered in blood, and your clothes looked worse for wear, but I didn't care. Just like any other day, I welcomed you home with a smile.

I brought you in and set you down on the couch, pulling you close. You didn't speak, but from your ragged appearance I could tell you had been through more than I could ever imagine. Your tears stained my shirt but I pulled you closer. We stayed like that for an immeasurable amount of time, until your sobs quieted down. When the worst was over, you found your voice.

"Does everything go away?" you asked, voice thick with pain.

"Maybe," I answered, running my fingers through your snow white hair, "But I will always be here for you," I finished with a smile as you drifted off to sleep.

We were always so different. I was energetic and spontaneous and you were reserved and quiet. I easily fit into society and you struggled. People avoided you, and thought you were worthless. But no matter what they said, I always knew how amazing you really were.

When we were just kids, we dreamed of the future together. Soon, we had both made it into the college of our dreams. It was difficult at first, but we knew we could make it. You would become a great writer and I would show you the world. We were going to make our dreams come true. But after the accident, all those dreams fell through. Now I know that they will never become a reality.

Oddly enough, I'm fine with that. I've found a home, and that's good enough for me. I know it may not be the home you need right now, and that you have things you need to do before you will consider it one. I'm sorry your dreams were shattered, and if you ever need someone to blame, go ahead and blame me. I promise I won't mind.

 

* * *

 

It's been years since then, and I haven't seen you since. I sometimes find myself wandering the streets, looking for that mop of white hair. Life has never been the same, but somehow I found a way to manage. I understand now that you had to go, that it was something you had to do yourself. I often think back to that fateful day, and that quiet conversation on an old couch. Just like I promised, I will always be here, waiting for you. So, if you ever get the chance, would you give me a call?


	2. Track 2 - "The Art of Forgiveness" by Maria Mena

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oooo this one is a highschool AU~ again pLEASE LISTEN TO THE SONG

I never was one to fit in at school. I always had difficulties interacting with others, preferring to keep my distance. I much rather preferred the comfort that books provided over human contact. That was, of course, until you waltzed into my life. With a simple smile, all of my walls came crashing down. I finally found someone I could trust. And with you by my side, school became bearable.

It was in highschool that I noticed something was different. I began to crave your attention more than usual. My heart skipped a beat and a blush covered my face only from seeing you smile. Just seeing you from across the hall would light up my day. It also began to hurt every time I saw you flirting with a girl. You had always done that, why did it bother me so much now?

Then came the day. The day you introduced your girlfriend to me. She was gorgeous, the most popular girl in school. It made perfect sense, though. Your personality made you easily popular, and seeing you two together, I couldn't imagine a more fitting pair. I had never seen you two together before that day. What made you suddenly get a girlfriend? It didn't make sense! I thought we were close. I always thought it would just be us. When did that change?

I made it home before I broke down completely. I couldn't handle it. I spent that night curled in my bed, trying to sort out my feelings. I hated you for betraying me. I tried to forgive you because I knew you weren't to blame. I couldn't come to a decision, I was just so confused and hurt.

Too embarrassed, I spent the next week avoiding you. I would come to school at the last minute so I wouldn't see you in the morning, and I took different routes to class so we wouldn't meet in passing. I spent that time hiding in corridors and behind trees, watching from a distance. I couldn't trust my emotions, and thought it would be best if i just left you alone. I thought I had lost you, but I tried to stay strong. However, I didn't seem to get better. Days passed and my life was dull and grey without you.

We shared some classes together, but I would always dash out the door as soon as the bell rang to avoid a confrontation. One day however, you were quicker and blocked my path.

"Kaneki, we need to talk," You said, a stern look on your face.

"H-hide I really need to get going," I lied, trying to duck around you.

You gave me a look before grabbing my wrist and dragging me into the hall. When you reached your locker, you turned around and faced me.

"What's going on with you?" you asked, concern in your eyes. "Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I-its nothing, I swear," I said, rubbing my chin.

"Hiya Hide!" I turned around to see her running up to us. I felt bile rise in my throat at the sight of her smiling face.

You dropped my hand immediately when you caught sight of her. She walked up, right past me, and grabbed your hand. She linked fingers with you and I had to keep myself from running away right then. But then she was leaning up, eyes closed, and her lips met yours.

I was completely frozen. I couldn't breathe. Then you opened your eyes and looked straight at me.

I didn't know what to think. Was that your way of telling me to give you some privacy? As I felt the tears prick my eyes, I sprinted away.

I found myself in the library, curled up in the farthest corner of the fiction section, under the works of my favorite author. Before long, the tears were flowing unhindered. I desperately tried to wipe them away. I was being stupid, what was I crying for? It wasn't your fault, and who was I to tell you who you could kiss, who you could have a relationship with.

Then I thought, what if it had been you in my situation? You most definitely wouldn't have reacted like _this_. You would be there to support me every step of the way. You wouldn't be sitting here, crying like a heartbroken idiot. Then I resolved myself, I would support all of your relationships, no matter who they were with. And if by chance you turned your gaze my way, I would wait with open arms.

I had composed myself and was about to leave when I heard my name being called. I didn't respond, but you found me anyway.

"There you are."

I looked up to see you standing in front of me, breathless.

Once you had caught your breath, you kneeled down in front of me. You tried to meet my eyes but I looked away.

"Kaneki, what's wrong? Would you please just talk to me?" you said, concern slowly turning into hysteria. "Is it her? Kaneki, please don't do this," you pleaded. "I broke up with her, it's over. You can date her now if you want, just please don't avoid me anymore Kaneki."

I finally looked up into the brown pools of your eyes and was shocked by their proximity. I was completely mesmerized for a while. We were so close I could feel your breath on my face.

"H-hide," I stuttered out. "I-it's not her, i-it's--"

And before I could finish, your lips crashed into mine.

_I forgive you._


	3. Track 3 - "Chains" Radical Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some time after Aogiri. PLEEEASE LISTEN TO SONG WHILE U READ PLEASE IT WOULD MAKE MY DAY

Kaneki stood in front of the door. He stared at the familiar numbers on the door, tracing them with his eyes. Why was this so hard? All he had to do was slip the envelope under the door. Then it would all be over. He would never have to spend his nights worrying again. All he had to do was slip it under the door and walk away. I am strong, I can do this, he told himself as he clenched his fists to stop their shaking.

He bent his head forward, letting his snow white bangs fall forward and cover his eyes. Finally resigning himself, he crouched down and slipped the letter in. He took one more moment to stand in front of the door, and then walked away.

 

_Dear Hide,_

_There was one point where I thought I could control myself. That was a long time ago. I thought I could coexist with you, because I was both human and ghoul. Because I was both, I believed I could live in both worlds. All I wanted was to stay with you. I tried that for a while, and it almost worked. I thought I could keep you in the dark while still keeping you by my side. I had to drop my classes, but at least I could see you when you stopped by the cafe. Things may have been going badly for me, but I was happy with that compromise._

_However, now I see just how naive I was. It was a dumb mistake to think I could walk away if I things turned bad. We were so close, but then . . . everything changed. I changed. No matter how you look at things, I am a ghoul. There's no way to change that, and I must accept that you can't be in my life forever._

_Just looking at what I've turned into . . . what would you think if you saw me like this? My world is too dangerous for you, I could never bring you into it. So I have to just push you from my mind and move on._

_But all I can say is thank you. You have been the light of my life. I honestly don't know what I could have done without you._

_And all I can say is thank you._

 

He tried to read it. He honestly did. But soon his tears smeared the ink and he could barely make out the words. The thin paper crumpled in his hands as easily as his body did as he fell to the floor.

He had come home, excited that his job had been giving him promising new leads. He was confident that soon he could find his friend. He had believed it was only a matter of time. But when he had found the letter with the handwriting he had known nearly al his life, everything changed.

He yelled as loud as his lungs would allow him, bashing his fist into the wooden floor of the entryway.

_How does he think he can just leave me like . . . like_ this?

Before he knew it, he was sprinting out his apartment door.

 

* * *

 

Kaneki stood at the train station, breath fogging in the december cold. Soon, he could see his train pulling in. People rushed to board, but he hesitated a moment. He looked up at the unforgiving clouds, a sad smile crossing his face.

"I'm glad you were my friend, Hide, but I'll never see you again."


	4. Track 4 - "The Dead Waltz" by Radical Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide goes to his grandparent's cabin for the summer and meets the strange boy next door pLEASE LISTEN WHILE U READ

I was fourteen the summer I met him. My parents had to move for work, so they sent me my grandparents' house in the country for the year. I didn't mind, I understood that they were busy. Besides, I loved my grandparents. They were very kind and thoughtful people, and I always looked forward to spending time with them.

On my first day, my grandma told me that there was a boy my age who lived next door. After a week, however, I had yet to see him come out of his house. Once, I thought I saw a figure through the second story window, but it may have just been my imagination.

Near the house was a small lake, and after dinner I often found myself skipping rocks in it. One night I got distracted, and before I noticed, the sun had been long down.

Just as I got to my front door, I heard the squeak of hinges off to my right. Looking over, I saw a short figure step out of the neighboring house. With the light of the full moon, I could just barely make out the figure. It appeared to be a boy with raven hair. He was barefoot and wore dark blue pajamas. Without hesitation, he shuffled off down the path that I had come.

Out of curiosity, I followed the boy. I called out to him, but he didn't answer. It was almost as if he couldn't hear me. It was then that I noticed that his eyes were closed.

When he got to the edge of the lake, he didn't stop. What was he doing? Did he want to get his pajamas wet?

But nothing happened. His feet glided over the water as if he was skating on ice, rather than a lake in summer. When he got to the middle of the small cove, he suddenly stopped, and a soft glow bloomed in the air next to him

Soon the soft spot of light molded into the figure of a woman. She had short dark hair the color of the boy's, and smiled when she saw him.

Then, I watched the impossible begin. She grasped the boy's hands with her ghostly fingers and began to dance with him. They turned together in slow, graceful circles. Their dance was mesmerizing and beautiful to watch. Their movements flowed fluidly and nimbly, almost like the wind.

Suddenly, I snapped to my senses. I didn't understand what was happening, but my instincts told me it wasn't good. I ran out into the water, not caring about soaking my shorts. I grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him in, the image of the woman evaporating as soon as she lost contact with his hand.

I carried the boy, who still appeared to be asleep, to his house and set him down on his porch steps. I then ran back to my house to watch him through my window. To my suprise, he got up and walked straight into his house, like it wasn't unusual to wake up in the middle of the night on his porch steps.

 

* * *

 

School started next week and as it turned out, he was in the same class as me. Intrigued by the mysterious dark-haired boy, I introduced myself. I learned that his name was Kaneki, and that he didn't go out much because he preferred to read in his room.

I didn't mention that night, I was too nervous. Would he not be happy with me knowing? Did he even know?

We began to spend time together after school, and soon became close friends. Every afternoon, he would come with me to the lake where we would skip rocks and talk for hours. I learned that his mother died a few years ago, and that he was now living with his aunt. He said she had drowned in this very lake. He didn't tell me any more, and I didn't push.

After we both walked home every day, I would sit by my window and wait. Most of the time, nothing happened. Every once and a while however, I would hear the creak of old hinges and see him standing in the moonlight. Every time, I would stop him, bring him back to his porch, and return to my window to wait for him to wake up. And every night, like it was the most normal thing in the world, he would walk straight back into his house.

This went on for quite some time until, all at once, it all stopped. For a whole month, I sat by the window for hours and didn't hear a peep from the house. Every day at school I would talk to him, and it didn't seem like anything had changed. Maybe it had just ended, and he was free from the strange ritual.

A few weeks later, some friends from class invited me over for a sleepover, and I graciously accepted. The rest of the day, Kaneki seemed off, almost uneasy. I was about to ask what was eating him, but then the bell rang and it was time to go home.

That night, I lied awake in my sleeping bag. I couldn't get Kaneki's behavior out of my mind. What if something really was wrong? The idea bounced around in my head and kept my eyelids from closing.

I jumped to my feet and was immediately running out the door. I didn't have any of my stuff, and the asphalt cut my bare feet as I ran at full speed down the street. The worry was driving me insane, and my steps grew even faster. Luckily, my friend only lived a few blocks away, and my house was soon in my sights.

I tore down the trail, plants ripping at my ankles and branches scratching my face. I caught sight of shallow tracks in the mud and my legs raced impossibly faster. My heart was hammering in my chest and my mind was a frantic mess.

I finally burst through the trees and onto the shore, and the sight before me knocked the breath out of my lungs. I crumpled to the ground, completely speechless. I couldn't peel my eyes from the body, floating lifeless in the lake.

_I was too late_


	5. Track 5 - "The Crooked Kind" by Radical Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa for some reason i forgot to post this one. Sorry! Again please listen while you read~

It was late at night and we were sitting on the bed. The night was cold, and the heavy air pressed in around us. The room had no windows, but we could feel the tension of an oncoming storm. I shifted uncomfortably in my straight jacket, but it was no use. I turned to my friend, his hair was the only bright spot in the room. I had been here with him as long as I could remember, and he had become like a brother to me. It was getting late, so I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Hide, am I crazy?" I asked softly.

He just chuckled to himself. After a minute, he looked at me. "Everyone is a little crooked, including me," he responded, resting his chin on my head.

"Really? Even the nice ladies that take care of us?" I asked, smiling.

"Yep! Even those old bats!" He said, a laugh shaking his frame.

I looked down at my body, and I could feel the scars there. The ones from my aunt, the ones from the mean people, and the ones from me. They laced their way down my arms, around my torso and down to my toes. I curled in on myself, trying to hide them.

Hide must have sensed the direction of my thoughts because he told me "Your scars are beautiful, Kaneki."  "Don't worry, some day I'll get us out of here," he promised.  He leaned into a my side in a comforting manner before lying down. He chuckled softly again before drifting off to sleep.

Thats right. Hide told me that we would get to see the sky again. That we could _own_ the sky. We could fly and soar and pull at the clouds.

I heard the thunder rumble somewhere far off. I wondered what a storm looked like. I wondered what one smelled like. All I could smell was blood. Their blood. Between each boom of thunder, I could hear their voices whisper in my bones. At night they sing to me.

Even though there is no light, shadows dance across the wall. The voices speak to me. The girl with the glasses and long purple hair, the large man with the mask, and him too. They have been there since I was born. They're never truly gone, and it comforts me to know I am here with everyone.


	6. Track 6 - "From the Mouth of an Injured Head" by Radical Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is actually HaisexHide! So yes, this is from Haise's perspective~ Again pls listen & read~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa I know theres a lot of Radical Face I promise ill put other bands in soon

It was the middle of the night. I should be in bed, fast asleep. I have a long day of work tomorrow, and I need to be in good shape if I'm going to try to handle the Quinx. But instead, I am pacing my living room floor, clinging tightly to this lukewarm coffee and the shreds of my sanity.

I can't remember the last twenty years of my life. They are all just a muddled mystery to me. I know next to nothing about the person I used to be. My head just feels like a giant puzzle, but none of the pieces fit together.

Lately, I've been having these dreams. Every night its the same thing. There's a silhouette, a boy with bright hair, but I can never see his face. We sit together in an abandoned kids park, atop the jungle gymnasium. I don't know who he is, in fact I'm sure we've never met. But for some reason, when I'm with him I feel a little more complete. Being near him soothes me, like a balm to my exposed nerves. The holes in my head disappear for a while.

Sometimes, he speaks to me. We have endless conversations, about anything and everything. He calls me a name, one I cannot recognise but seems to fit me like my favorite pair of jeans. However, as soon as I wake up, everything is gone. The words, his warmth, the name, they slip away like water through my fingers.

And when I wake up, when these holes are left in me, I feel nothing but an aching longingness. I feel completely empty, like all the light has been taken from my world. Who are you? I never remember meeting you, much less your name.

All I can do is sit here and miss you. All I want to do is see you, to feel you, to show myself that you are real. Your voice sometimes reaches me in those times. You wonder if I'm okay, if the cracks in my brain have healed yet. Your voice echos like the wind. It comes and disappears just as quickly too.

There's something missing in me and I don't know what it is. I'm so confused. Can you help me? Can you help stitch me up? I feel like you are the key to this all somehow, and I think you can help me. I know it will be a struggle, the answers are buried deep in me.

I can't help missing you, but theres one problem:

 

I don't even know your name.


End file.
